I'm not about to explain the schedule that we went through during the retreat camp, or how fun it was for me to be able to be with other brothers and sisters (although I must explain that I did have fun), but I am here to explain what I experienced from God and how this is transforming me...from the past to the present to the future. If you are reading this weblog please don't judge me from what you read...please don't judge me for what you know of me or who you think I am.
I didn't expect it to be this way. I really don't know what I was expecting all the time but I just remember going home on Friday evening after work, driving on the highway dreading to be picked up from home to go to CCF Retreat. I thought about all the commotion that is likely to happen from girls not wanting to sleep (thus leading to the result that I won't be able to sleep) and how tired and depressed I'd feel after getting home from camp and having to go to work the next day (while everyone gets to have their reading break).
But...how do I explain it in words? Amazing? Miraculous? Blessed? Glorifying? Whatever words I explain here will never capture the desires and passions I experienced within the camp. To have 45 seemingly different individuals put together to worship God not only through prayers and sharing, but also through unity in spirit by serving the same God is not easy...only God can put us together and only He can heal, transform, and revive us all.
And that's what He did and is doing.
Last night before we slept we had a group camp fire...and we sang songs and shared about whatever we wanted to share about. Through the songs we were able to open up our hearts and slowly, one by one, Jesus started to tear down our onion pieces. That night, people shared and cried and prayed openly until 4 am. Although I didn't stay until 4 am, I saw how God was putting us together for a reason, to have us united to encourage each other through the narrow paths we each faced no matter in school, relationships, work, or family. We were all broken. Shattered into a million pieces by the troubles of this world and life. We all longed for love and we all longed for healing...healing that would transform us into stronger individuals so that we could serve God whole-heartedly without a trace of regret. Because after all, as I learned from the sermons of yesterday and today, God chose us for a reason, and that reason is not because we are the best of the best but because He believes in us. Can you capture the significance in that? Its not what we think of ourselves but of what God thinks. Its not JUST about us believing in Him but also Him believing in us. Believing that we can serve Him through the daily small decisions that we make about life so that we can end up glorifying Him and pursuing HIS end goals.
That night, I wrote this in my notebook:
"As we sang songs and prayed tonight, I asked God how to surrender, what I should surrender, and what I should do right now. Then all of a sudden, as if to answer my question, we started singing the song 福杯滿溢了and one of the choruses goes as follows:
我親愛孩子，記得每一次傾倒的厚恩？
學會放手一課一一交給我別要足得手太緊
我親愛孩子，讓我做靠椅無懼每一秒。
擔憂過後了沉睡會知曉已福杯滿溢了！
When I heard that, I started crying lightly and I saw vivid images that turned into concrete images...it was of a person I really miss...I really really miss him and for the first time the images weren't of something that hurts but it was actually of the seldom happy moments that I really enjoyed. There was no frustration, no hate, no nothing but it was just a moment I missed. Then I asked God what I should do...I just kept on telling Him how could I let go? How? How could I take that leap of faith? How?"
This morning as we studied Psalms 25: 1-7 for our daily devotion (Time with Abba), all of sudden I heard someone on the swings outside, and I began to see a picture in my head of me and Jesus. And once again I wrote in my notebook:
"Father you gave me an image to see. You are the father who takes me to the playground, puts me into a swing, and sets me on a journey pushing me forward. At first the touches are gentle and every single time you push, my distance between you and me becomes farther and farther but closer at the same time as I feel your strong but gentle push. I feel the high when I am pushed into the air, but I also feel the fall and the wind and disappointment seeing and becoming closer to the ground. But even through the highs and the lows you never leave me and you are still there pushing me from behind to set me in motion to explore a whole lot more beyond my comfort zone. And every single time I'd see a whole new perspective about this world, traumatized by the beauty that you have created."
Then we started singing and slowly I begun crying again. People started praying, asking, believing, hoping that Jesus would grant us what we wish for according to His will. We cried out for revival in Vancouver, and we thanked him because we all knew that this revival IS happening in Vancouver, at this time and place becoming more beautiful and miraculous than ever before. We cried out for healing, because each of us needed healing and love from Jesus...and I felt as if the tears that were falling down my face and the faces of others were actually healing rain from Jesus...a blessing that he's given us to have.
Some time during the prayer session someone came up to me, huddled near me and hugged me close to her. I had been sitting on the ground, holding my knees together close to my chest crying, so when she held me it felt like I was a teddy bear being held by my mother bear. It was warm and comforting. Then she left and another sister came to me and held me close, rubbing my back as she started praying for me. I couldn't hear what she was praying because she barely spoke in a whisper, but I knew they were healing words and I knew that she knew the burdens I was going through.
God really loves me I must say. To have these wonderful angels around me to comfort me at all times. A word, a hug, a touch...what more can I ask for?
When we left camp this afternoon, I am pretty sure that every one of us experienced a very personal relationship with God. For me, I could hear His comforting voice telling me that its okay. I am hurt and broken and that is okay. Healing is a long process and He will heal me in His own time. He has already given me what I constantly and desperately prayed for last year, which is change, and now I'm changing and transforming because He's constantly putting me in new situations, everyday, every moment. And it is about how I respond in my every day decision makings that will put me closer to God's plan and what He wants from me.
Thank you Jesus.
Thank you.
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