我好怕有一天我會突然間失去了我的一切。

When we’re weak, the world demands us to be strong
When we want to be simple, the world asks us to complicate things
When we want to be true, the world makes us wear masks
When we want to slow down and think about whats going on, the world pushes us to keep going and become faster and faster until we become numb
When we’re sad, the world says we’re sick
And when we die, the world lives.

Cycle x forever.

We live. and then we die.

My five days in Singapore has past by like the wind, and as I try to recall everything that happened within the short five days, I’d find things I’d be able to giggle about or things where I really miss spending time with Calvin about.

The first day we arrived, last Friday, to be specific, we had some trouble getting through immigration so ended up being at the hotel at 5. Calvin met us there and we went out to Vivo City (dian xiao er) to eat. Loved the herbal Chicken and the dishes that we had that night. Mom loved it too.

Then we walked around Orchard Mall and the streets around, ending up back at the hotel at around 11 or so. I was really tired by then but I really wanted to spend more time with Calvin (Make use of all the time we have la =] ) so we let mom rest at the hotel as we took the MRT and LRT to Calvin’s apartment to take a look and got his dad’s car keys so he could drive me around Singapore to sight see.

Singapore’s MRT system:

The streets of Singapore at night is quite quiet, smooth and nice, and even though it was extremely hot for me even during the night time, I really enjoyed the little hint of breeze that blew across my face as I stood there with Calvin over looking his complex’s swimming pool, playground, and also walking around his school and Marine Barrage.

That night, I really enjoyed overlooking Singapore Flyer, Marine Bay Sands, and Sentosa from far away. And since a long time I got a sticky but warm hug from someone special =]

The next morning Calvin took mom and I to Clementi Hawker Market for breakfast. The food was very interesting for me and I really liked the carrot cake they have. Apparently the carrot cake there is pan fried with other ingredients and light soya sauce, so it’s quite tasty and has a good texture. Calvin also ordered a congee with cow kidney? even though he doesn’t eat because he thinks I like it hahahaha (which I kind of do =])

Afterwards he went to school while mom and I headed towards bus terminal to go to the zoo (which we didn’t end up going because it was too hot) and instead headed back to the hotel to rest for a bit. Later in the afternoon we met up with Rebekah and Eileen at Esplanade, walked around Marine Bay Sands, headed back at the hotel again to drop down mom, and went out to Lau Pa Sat in the city central.

Lau Pa Sat is another Hawker Market place, and we went there because I wanted to give a mini surprise for Calvin since his birthday is on April 26 but I won’t be there to celebrate with him. So I asked 10 of the friends I met through exchange if they could show up, of which 9 of them answered =]. Calvin thought that he was only eating with me, Rebekah and Eileen so I THINK he was surprised but he didn’t really show it and he was probably tired from his 1 hour + traffic jam trying to drive over. The bunch of us bought dishes to share so I got to try even more sing dishes before we ate cake and disbanded. Then Calvin, me, Eileen, and Huidong went to the area near Clark Quay and walked around, followed by dessert with just Calvin at a famous dessert place.

Saturday morning mom and I had breakfast at McDonald’s and then went to Clark Quay for the river cruise ride. The Singapore river used to a trading area like Hong Kong’s quarry areas but now has become a river where two major tour cruises operate, including virgo star which brings people over to Malaysia and back for weekday trips. Then we met with Uncle Albert and Auntie Violet and we had lunch at vivo city before heading to Sentosa.

Singapore was raining that day so we couldn’t see much except for walking around the Malaysian food street and Resorts World. We left within an hour and Calvin came to fetch us from vivo city. He drove us to an outdoor restaurant that feature fishhead steampot as well as other famous dishes like coffee porkrib and grain covered shrimp. Mmm Mmm good! Afterwards mom was tired so we dropped her back at the hotel and Calvin and I went watch a movie called Perfect Two by Zai Zai and Ella. It was such a good movie I almost wanted to tear in between. We bought bubble tea and sneaked into the theatres with it so that was a plus as I drank my bubble tea while watching the movie in the back row =]

This is such a good movie~

After the movie we went to little India and walked around their department store. Little Indie is such a special place I think…with Indians everywhere! LOL. Never in my life had I been surrounded by so many indians that I felt quite uncomfortable at first. In between the walks I felt a bit unsafe too but thankfully someone kept on holding on to me and sort of became my mini fat body gaurd.

Sunday mom and I ate breakfast, then met Calvin at around 11:30 for another round of early lunch at another Hawker Market called Maxwell Market. We had Hai Nan chicken rice and oh boy was it good =]. There was also this other drink that I tried but can’t recall the name of. We then drove to the Singapore Flyer and I had a perfect view of Singapore as well as parts of Malaysia in the very rim of my view. The weather was nice. Sentosa came next in our list and we took the express, enjoying the view of Bayfront Beach, the Mirlion, as well as eating at Malaysian Street. How I love the food =] . That night an interesting picture occurred after we went back to the hotel: The three of us sat on bed to watch a food show on TV until we almost fell asleep.

Monday Rebekah came to eat breakfast with mom and I at Hong Lim market (if you haven’t noticed already there are ALOT of markets in Singapore) and I totally loved the special tofu pudding and wonton noodle I had. I’m so thankful to have met all these wonderful friends I made on exchange. They’re truly true friends I believe. We met Calvin back at the hotel and checked out at 12pm. Calvin already bought some bread for me and my mom to bring onboard to eat, and we headed to terminal 3 of Changqi airport to meet Eileen as well as eat lunch at a Japanese Restaurant.

As mom and I stepped through the gates at 3pm, someone stupid but cute started to tear and I couldn’t help but wonder what our future would look like. I have trust and I hope that everything will work out fine. I miss him. And mom likes him. He’s like my super hero super man. Always there to protect and guide me. Although he’s mean some times. =P

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Two more months and we can see each other again. But until that day comes. Hold on, my pig, hold on =].

This is an account of the events that happened for the last two days:

April 4th, 2012:

I woke up feeling a bit dizzy. Mom and I ate some bread for breakfast and then headed out to run a few errands. Then we met up with my aunt and uncle from Tiao Jing Ling and travelled to Zeem sa zui to Nicco Hotel for lunch. I was surprised to find Bao Gu Gu there and was slightly comforted by her presence because initially she said she won’t come back from Vancouver and that only me and my mom would. Turns out she finally decided to come. I was really glad to be around my dad’s side of the family because they were very caring and understanding.

We left at around 4:30 and on the way we bumped into my dad’s cousins and I greeted them for the first time. We took the van while the cousins chose to walk to the funeral home.

5 O clock we arrived at the funeral home and the few of us went into the private room to look at my dad’s body. My mom got emotional and started crying. “點解我認唔到你爸爸個樣？點解會完全唔一樣？我好驚。我好驚。” I looked at my dad and was both horrified, numb, and sad at the same time. I felt numb because I felt nothing at first. I felt like everything that was happening was just a dream. Nothing is real. Nothing. We asked the helper at the funeral home called Mr. Fung why my dad’s figure and features look so different from his person when he was alive, and I almost wanted to laugh in a bitter way at the way he described it. He said “This is what happens to someone when they are refrigerated. The water in the body evaporates and so he’d be a lot skinnier. Its just like how you put your pork chop in the refrigerator. It doesn’t stay tender anymore but becomes rigid and smaller because the water is gone.” A body versus a piece of pork chop. Like…o..m..g.

My dad’s cousins arrived shortly afterwards and they were very kind, friendly, and cheerful in their recalls of my dad as well as their childhood memories. Apparently they belonged to the branch of 12 sons and daughters from my grandfather’s little brother. I have a big family. Nevertheless I was cheered up by them and laughed for quite some time in between. It wasn’t that bad.

Then guests starting coming in one by one and I started feeling out of place. Out of place because I don’t know a single one of them that came. Out of place because they were all sad for their lost of a good friend, a good teacher, a kind hearted man whom they were all close to, closer than I was with him. To hear their remarks of him made me even more out of place because they would tell me one after another how kind my dad was with what he did for others, but I could never have known him well enough to know all these things. Yet I was standing at the front of the room representing the whole Tse family at the funeral ceremony. They’d tell me, “I’m so sorry for your lost”, but the more I hear it the more numb I felt because I didn’t know what exactly I had lost. A good father. Yes. But how good? How awesome? How nice and kind? I would never be able to know from real life-encounter anymore.

There was an uncle who came named Albert to whom I talked to the most. He joined us after the funeral(pre-funeral) for the night ended, and as we walked I asked him about how he met my dad. They met when they were nine. And they’ve been friends ever since…for 56 years. Albert immigrated to Singapore after he married I don’t know how many years ago and now had two married daughters and a 19 year old son. He said he’ll tell me in detail about my dad in the past when we meet again in Singapore next week. But one thing he told me: That he continuously told my dad to come find me even before we re-united but my dad felt slightly ashamed to. And that he told my dad he should come over to Europe with my mom so we could go on a holiday trip together but my dad wouldn’t because he felt too ashamed of not having earned enough money to see me. My dad always kept his hope up that his business would work out and that he would have a lot of money soon. Next week I’ll have money. Next week, he always thought. And then I recall my skype conversation with dad. He said he was talking business to do with trades of sugar in South America. He said once it works out he would have big money. He told me never to worry about money because he will be able to afford to take care of me for the rest of my life. I thought he was joking and doubt his capabilities. But when he said it, he actually meant it. My awesome dad.

That night I slept very well for 4.5 hours but woke up with a headache.

April 5th, 2012:

We arrived at the funeral home at around 9:35am. Family members were supposed to arrive an hour earlier than the ceremony started. But shortly after we arrived an old couple and their son came and the old man started talking to me about my father. He was the friend who was with my dad when he fell unconscious and went to the emergency with him. According to my aunt, when he found out my dad past away he cried like a pig. He cried until he almost fainted himself. Because he loved my dad and treasured him as a good friend.

“Your dad was the nicest guy on earth. No one could be as nice as him!” He said. “Too bad you couldn’t have known him better. He would’ve been a good father if he had the chance. He would always help out his friends at whatever cost it took him and he was a very smart minded guy. He could give good advice to people and would always listen to me when I wanted to talk to him. Now he’s gone and I have no one to share with anymore.” An uncle had shared about how he was more sad that my dad past away than he was of his own dad’s funeral. That shocked me.

Not long afterwards the ceremony started. Pastor Gan led the family members into the private room and prayed with us. Then we walked back outside with the coffin and we started singing Hymns. My aunt went up to speak about my dad’s obituary, followed by a message by Pastor Gan. We sang another Hymn and then friends circled around the coffin to give my dad a last good bye glance. The coffin lid was put on and I followed the coffin out while carrying my dad’s photo frame downstairs to the funeral car. It all felt like a dream. So surreal. So much like a drama. My life is like a drama. The rest of the people took the bus.

We arrived at the crematory 20 minutes later and once again I followed the coffin in and sat down at the first row. Pastor Gan talked about a little bit more of the procedure and after math of my dad’s remains, and then we all gathered around my dad’s coffin: me and Pastor Gan and a worker at the crematory on one side and the rest of the group (family and friends) on the other. The coffin was on the machine rack ready for me to press the green button to send it to the fires. I felt numb. “Kathy you may now press the button.” I looked at the coffin and then back at the button for a split second. I didn’t dare look at the group. I felt numb. Then I pressed the button, and as I hold on to the button the coffin slowly moved towards the curtains whereafter is the fireplace that burns my dad’s body into nothing but bones and then grinder into ashes that can fit into a bag. I felt horrified afterwards. I felt like I was sending my dad into death itself. But at the same time I pray that my dad isn’t in hell. He deserves better. He really does.

Then everything that happened afterwards that day isn’t worth noting. Life continues to go on as normal. People laugh, people cry. Babies are born, people get married, no one stops aging, and eventually withers away. And people keep on chasing endless dreams but brings none except themselves either to heaven or to hell. Money, clothes, friends, family…nothing we can ever keep when death falls upon us.

So whats the meaning of life? I must find my meaning of life. Must. Must.
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The less expectations you have of me, the less disappointed you will be.
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As I rummaged through the piles of clothes, bags, luggages, and closets of my dad’s old apartment, an area barely enough for you to walk or sit in, I couldn’t help but imagine how life was like for him when he was living by himself.

Apparently, my dad was a “stuff” collector just like me. Or should I say it’s the other way around and I’m like him? Stacked up all through his closets and bookshelves were stuff that seemed quite useless, including envelopes that have obviously been used a dozen of times, old watches, towels, just a lot of items you’d think would end up as a better match if you’d find them in a dumpster or salvation army. In his kitchen there is barely enough room for me to squeeze through because my dad built a closet right there by the edge of the walls whereby if you open the closet doors you would find everything stuffed in like he was in a rush or something.

His living room is his sleeping place. And on the side of his windows is his computer and printer, and a few picture frames of my grandma, grandpa, and other ancestors.

When my dad past away, inside of his wallet was a picture of me and him. He used to show it around to his friends whenever he could get a chance to. He was proud of me. But he didn’t expect anything from me. So he was never disappointed in me. All he wanted of me was to be happy.

All he wanted to do was love me.

And now he’s gone. Just like the wind.

As I cleaned up his closet by putting his pieces of clothing one by one into plastic bags, I also imagined how life would’ve been different if I was around for him. When the weather was cold, who would bother to button up his shirt for him? When he was tired from work and came home to eat, who would cook for him? If he wanted to clean up his place, who would do the daily or monthly clean ups for him? These were all things that made me want to tear whenever I just think about the days he was living alone.

And then there was the briefcase. Somewhere in his place there was a briefcase filled with my dad’s accomplishments including graduation certificates and awards. I think if me and my dad were to compare with each other, I would never have been as academically successful as he was. I haven’t had enough time to rummage through them all so next Wednesday my uncle will hand me over the briefcase so I can look at them in detail and be as proud as I can be (for once) because of him.

To dust we were and to dust we will be.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my life. Or just life in general. But the more I think about it the more confused I get. I saw a friend today and asked him about his recent life. He told me about what he’s hoping to achieve and where he is now, and how he doesn’t really like his job he is in. And I told him about bits and pieces of my past few months this year. It seems that everyone is trying to achieve something, whether it be fame, money, car, house, or just a good relationship. But at the end of the day, all we ever become is dust.

So what is the purpose of my life? What am I supposed to strive for when I can’t even identify with myself and I can’t find my purpose in this life? On the outside everything seems perfect and fine, but really, how many of us are just plain messed up inside?

Things aren’t always what they seem.

God. Please tell me. Please.

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10:25 am:
Aunt: Kathy, I have some bad news for you. Your dad past away.
Me: What who’s dad??!!! (still half awake in bed)
Aunt: Your dad.
Me: *Silence*

What followed after that phone call was a lot of thinking and reflection. And regretfulness. I really was stupid enough to go on skype and type a bunch of messages that I knew would never reach his person ever again. The last time he tried to call me was March 6, 2012. I wasn’t able to answer. But I didn’t call him back either. Because I thought he was fine and that there would be lots of time for us to communicate when he comes over in the summer for my convo. Why? Why so sudden? Why does things always have to go wrong when things just seem to be getting better? And then I thought back to last week’s Ethos sharing. One of the ladies kept on reminding us of a verse in the bible, “For I know the plans I have for you.” So what are the plans? What are the plans? What are the plans???

My dad was a jolly, tender-hearted, and kind soul. But I didn’t have the chance to know about him better before he past away. What was going to be a full family photo for my convocation will be once again a photo of just me and my mom. Vulnerable is the word that I can describe of myself right now. But I must trust God with all my might. Must. I’m sad but perhaps at the end of my life on earth God will explain every single detail that happened in my life and tell me why things happened the way it did. I’m sad but I thank God for having given me the chance to at least re-unite with him a few years ago. I’m sad but I’m thankful that God had let us have a confession to each other about our true feelings for all these years and I was able to forgive him from the bottom of my heart. I’m sad. But.

February 18, 2012, Skype:

Mark Tse:

“Dear Kathy, glad to hear from you, I call your home by phone several times, but could’nt talk to you, either no answer or your mom said you were in the bathroom. I miss you so !
[12-02-18 3:41:55 AM] mark tse: How is everything, I know that you are working now and me too working hard and hope I can earn a lot before I come for your big day !”

Dad. How I wish you really could come.

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=]
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Focus focus focus. Focus on the good. Focus on the positives.

There will be days when I get upset, frustrated, and emotional. And it won’t be because of the big things but because of the small things. And when that happens all I want to do is snuggle in my bed with my blanket over my head and hope for a better tomorrow instead.