I'm finally starting to really job search. O-M-G I'm so lost. I want to apply for a job in health authorities as HR assistant. But its in Alberta.

我，很幸福。

Sharing can be a powerful encouragement and release from our past in order to generate our hope for the future. It can help point out different areas in our lives that we need the healing of God to overcome the dark, negative, and strongholds that Satan wishes to encompass and control us with. Sharing, especially of our weaknesses and failures is a way to show our own weaknesses and God's holiness and power to give us strength. It is His divine love for us that let us experience hurt and pain, because its through these that God's glory can shine and we can be moulded into the man or woman He wants us to be.

Four months ago, when I first arrived in Lund, I prayed on and off for a Christian friend to share with in Sweden, someone who would understand me and who could pray for me and with me. I met a lot of good friends in Ade Fontes, but none too close to share with, and I still felt the bridge and gap between cultural differences that hindered me from sharing my own past. I shared a little with Kristina, who is, in my opinion, such a lovely girl with the way she takes care of the people around her and the smile that she carries. But somehow I didn't share everything with her because it just "didn't feel right." Perhaps the holy spirit stopped me because He knows that there is someone He has put into my life to share with.

Wednesday night, after our bible study fellowship, I went back home, took the sleeping bag and two blankets that Michelle let us borrow so that Kristina could sleep over at my place, and went upstairs to return it to her. Michelle, who came from South Africa, was a member of my cell group at Ade Fontes who I would describe as " a woman totally after God's heart". I was always in awe about her from the way she could prophesy, the way that she could see visions and experience the holy spirit so deeply, and the way she could worship with her whole heart and be full of the knowledge of God. I think somehow I grew to look up to her but also keep a small distance from her because she was so holy and passionate. And the cultural differences. It was slightly hard at times to understand each other's cultures. But somehow, that night, as I entered into her studio, sat down for a hot chocolate, and listened to her Chris Tomlin songs from her computer, something happened that opened Michelle's heart to share with me. One moment we were talking about marine biology, then the next moment Michelle was sharing her story of her past with me, and her testimony of how God saved her. As I listened to her story unfold at the different chapters of her hurts and pain, I slowly realized that God was putting her into my life as that friend I prayed for to share with. It was as if He was telling me "See? There she is. Someone who has gone through similar experiences with you and who understands you and who might've even gone through more hurts than you to experience my love and healing."

So after she shared with me, she commented on how she didn't even know why she started talking about her story, to which I responded, "I know why. Because God wants me to hear it to encourage me." And then I told her about my story and my hurts and pain throughout life. As she listened, I knew she understood, and at the end of the story, she showed me passages in the bible of what God wants me to know. Now understand this: I didn't share with Michelle about the time when I saw the scriptures of the Jars of Clay in 1 Corinthians three times and how I felt God was telling me its time that I learn how to love myself. But when Michelle shared that passages with me, I knew that God was once again making a stronger message to me to explain why I had gone through some of the things in my life.

"Sweetie", she said, "God wants you to know from your past that you should start loving yourself. You totally have the capacity to love others but you have to love yourself too. You deserve so much more because God loves you like a princess and God created you such that He can name as much good things about you as the grains in the sea of sands and the stars of the universe. And scientists have found out that the universe is expanding. So he is increasing the good things He can say about you all of the time." She went on to explain how in the beginning, everything in the world was perfect (Genesis), but from the fall of man, a curse was put on everything including the curses He has put on women. "But in contrary to what some people interpret, God is warning women when He said "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you", instead of cursing women to be under the authority of men and have no equality."

What this means is that women were to have emotions and the power to love men immensely more than herself, such that if a man gave a woman a mustard seed of love, the woman would give him her whole life. And this was a warning because God doesn't intentionally want a woman to be ruled by a man, but in fact, wants her to love God more than her husband and be able to follow His instructions. God created women to be loving creatures, but He also created woman to be equal parts to men, as partners, not as servants. So women mustn't "lose" themselves once they are in a relationship with men, but be able to submit to authority only in trust and faith of God. Just as how Sarah submitted to Abraham's instructions to be sent to the foreigners when Abraham was scared the Egyptians would kill him if they realize that Sarah was his wife and not his sister. I believe she must've resented but still trusted God to provide a way to help her out. Soe be submitted to be ruled over by her husband but only in trust to God.

There were many other things Michelle shared with me for the night, and so we talked from 10pm to 5 am in the morning. What should've been a 5 min talk turned out to be an 8 hour in depth conversation, and by the end of everything, Michelle and I prayed together and we asked God for guidance in our lives, what I should do, and what God wants me to know. And I received passages that I still need to decipher and interpret from the Lord but two of them were particularly comforting...that the Lord was with me and will never forsake me.

Oh and there was this song that is just so so wonderful:

今天，我哭了。哭了因為太感動了，哭了，因為太捨不得這裡了，哭了，因為祂在愛著我，深深地愛著我，一直都在愛著我。Today as I attended Sunday service, an overseas missionary came to share about his encounter with Jesus and how He came to serve children after His calling. He said there's a difference between a love for God and having a connection with God. He said, we can always love God but not know Him personally. We can read the bible and marvel at Him but until the moment we truly have a conversation with him we won't know Him or who He really is.

Do I know Him?

Kristina seemed a littler upset today because its her last day attending service before she travels and goes back to California. As we sat together during the last part of worship, tears just started swelling on the brink of my eyes and I find myself crying deeply. Moments before one of the members of the congregation had asked all of the international students to stand up and the whole congregation prayed for us. The prayer was brief yet it touched my heart deeply and reminded me why I was here in the first place. They prayed that we would have the holy spirit within us ignited in flames all of our lives, that we would continue to understand and believe and remember that we were here in Lund in from the beginning because God wants to change us and send us back out into the world. They prayed that we would hear God's voice deeply and that God would guide us and show us our future. They prayed that God will show us visions, through dreams and spectacular miracles that we were meant to be missionaries in the future.

Missionaries. Can that be? How can that be? Me? No way.

So I sat there crying for quite some time in silence, both me and Kristina bending our heads, praying, marvelling, and comforting each other.

What are His plans? How great is our God? I truly love this place. Because its here that I learn very very much.

Psalm 27:4

One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

Sometimes you may think that you are the one who is being looked upon differently or who is being excluded from the group when in fact you yourself are the one excluding everybody else.

About a week ago, last Saturday, to be exact, I walked onto the Lapland tour bus feeling quite weary about the next few days as I saw how the whole bus seemed to be filled with caucasians and that me and Natalie, Karen, and Bonnie were the only asians there. It made me feel uneasy as I never really interacted with caucasians much and I felt excluded from the group. I remember riding on the night bus feeling like people were staring at us strangely and when I woke up in the middle of the night and found out that my scarf was on the floor in the middle of the aisle, I was quite sad that nobody picked it back up for me but instead were walking over it. I felt like they were racist towards me. Nobody from the group talked to us the first day, but they were talking amongst themselves getting to know each other better. Some people were from Russia, Germany, Belgium, mostly EU countries, with one guy from Austria doing an exchange in Helsinki. Lots of talk about EU and the outside world but none about Asia and definitely nothing to do with us. I felt irritated.

But as the days went by, I think I realized that perhaps I had a part in the whole prejudice part of the scene. Perhaps I was just as racist towards them as they were towards me the first day, and that they were just as uncomfortable speaking to me as I were to them. That's why no one initiated a conversation with us. It wasn't because they hated us or what not, but because of the cultural difference it was hard for them to stem up conversation with us. But as the tour went by, we got to know each other better and friendship stirred up in the midst of small incidences and fun activities. For example, Karen didn't bring her pair of boots to Lapland so she wore her runners, which, in my point of view, is pretty bad for snow. So, one night, we met Marta from our tour who wanted to take pictures of the Northern Lights with us and gave one of her pair of boots to Karen to wear because she could stand watching her feet get cold. That was such a touching gesture I don't know what to say. Then, during our survival course training, we got put into a group with Lisa and Howka, who turns out to be exchange students also studying in Lund, so we got to talk with them and about Germany, where the both of them originally came from. One night, a girl from our next door cabin knocked on our door and asked if she could come in for a moment because her cabin was locked and she couldn't get back in. Karen and Natalie initiated to make her some tea at 3am in the morning while I continued lying in bed. I think its one of those moments where I go "wow" at how caring some people can be to others in the midst of trouble. I listened to their conversations and wanted to help too but it also triggered a part of my thinking "am I just lazy or if I was put in the same scenario just with myself would I actually be as helpful to this girl?". I guess I have much much more to learn in terms of how to really care for others. And lastly, on the last night of our tour, I remember walking into the common Sauna room feeling a bit uncomfortable at first because there were so many guys and they were having beer inside. But everybody welcomed us once we stepped in and for the first time initiated very openly to talk to us. They were fascinated and happy that we were on the tour, and taught us how to do a proper sauna and walked with us outside to see the Northern lights together. I was more open to talk to them too and enjoyed the following times when we barbecued together, sang songs together, and said our farewells to each other. It definitely showed to me how sometimes just because I think someone doesn't like me doesn't mean that they actually don't, and that cultural differences can be cast away when your're working as a group and interacting with each other more often than usual.

So my trip to Lapland was much more than just pure fun. God gave me the Northern lights to see, a great group of tour mates, memorable moments with the reindeer sleigh, husky safari, and a lesson to learn about how to care for others. Seriously, I don't know how Karen can be so adorable, kind, and caring at the same time but some of her qualities are the ones that I wish to possess in the future. Hopefully I can someday! =D

So last night I got the chance to talk with my dad over Skype for the first time for two hours straight. No major gaps and no major awkward moments. The conversation flowed out naturally as if the two of us had known each other for life yet had many hidden secrets that we wished to share with each other all of a sudden. I originally asked him about his work, to which he responded by telling me every inch of detail that he could, and then told me about his work in the past. Contrary to what I always pictured, I think fate took over my dad more than the effort he asserted into his job. Some things, maybe he could've tried harder, but others, well, let's just say that a lot of misfortune blocked his way.

He also told me a brief glimpse of mom and him in the past. Although I have to say that I totally understand my mom's point of view and her abrupt and extreme actions to defend me and our future, I also see how dad wasn't the kind of dad I imagined him to be. He wasn't selfish at all towards me, and I could tell that to a certain degree, he really did love my mom. Before my mom and him got married, my mom already had her first surgery. Before the surgery, my mom was much more gentle in the way she speaks and acts (I'm trying very hard to imagine her like that lol), and she did a lot of lovey dovey things I would NEVER imagine her to do =P. But later on, after the surgery, because of the hormone in balance she would get frustrated at the slightest things possible, and my dad was put into a circumstance where a lot of his friends told him he wouldn't be in much of a happy married life if he married my mom. But my dad still persevered and did whatever my mom told him to do and took care of her well. Of course, my dad could be making this up a bit but I do recall asking my mom why he married dad and she did tell me how he took care of her during the hospital stay, which quite touched her heart.

Now besides telling me about him and mom's past, dad also told me how much he wanted to see me after I was born. He told me about the lawsuit and the few brief times he was able to see me, and then how heart broken he was when mom and I suddenly disappeared. He told me he could easily hire a secret agent to find out the whereabouts of our foot prints, but then he decided not to because that would just cause more drama and disruption to my life. He also told me a secret that I found the most touching ever, to which I'll keep it a secret from here, but from the moment I heard of it my whole perception of him changed. I never knew he gave up what he could've had for me. And I never knew how one of the things that sustained him through his cancer therapy was the thought and feeling that somehow some day he would see me again.

Like. wow.

I have a dad who loves me. Incomprehensible. The more I think about it the more I view myself as extremely fortunate. Fortunate in the sense that the things I've gone through my whole life is like a life long journey where God unfolds certain surprises for me here and there. Broken, shattered but full of hope at the same time because He'll put back the pieces together to form a new masterpiece.

And silly old dad. He couldn't sleep for the longest time ever after our conversation. Then this morning he emailed me and told me he has full confidence in me for my future since I told him last night how "lost" I was as to what to do.

Joyce Meyer-Promises for your everyday life:

Jump-Start Your Dreams

What is the dream that God's placed in your heart?I'm not asking if you have one, I already know it's there because God gives all of us dreams.

I've seen people do all kinds of things to their dreams. Some people bury them so deep in their hearts in order to protect them from the criticism of others. Some people set them out of sight so they don't have to think about them anymore. And some people finally just give up on their dreams because it hurts too much to hold on.

If your dream needs a jump-start, there are two things I want you to remember. First, you need to get a vision that's clear. And second, you must keep your vision in front of you at all times.

But having a vision doesn't mean that it will instantly appear. God's as interested in the process of vision as He is in the end result.

The apostle Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13 that he had learned how to be content and satisfied to the point where he was not disturbed by whatever state he was in. In other words, he never allowed himself to get upset with where he was at the moment, he was always looking forward to where he could be.

That means you, like Paul, need to find a balance between contentment and ambition. Here's the key: Learn to enjoy where you are on the way to where you're going.

When you have a dream or a vision, you have to keep it in front of you. If it helps, write it down. And remember, God will help you live the dream He's given you, step-by-step, one day at a time.

Prayer Starter: Jesus, even though I don't always feel like it and life tries to get me to quit, I believe You have a great plan for my life. I choose to trust You to help me live the dream You've given me more than I trust my circumstances.
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Read this really encouraging devotion for today. I don't know where I'm going despite the fact that I'm 22 already. But I'll still try to hold onto everyday of my life with gladness. =]

This is where I've been to so far in my life up to now:

And oh my November, December and January will be like...oh my =o=. Helsinki, Estonia, Lapland, Budapest, Vienna, Munich, Prague.

Time to write an awesome post about an awesome God who showed me how we are a pot of clay three consecutive days in a row =]. I was debating on whether to write this down before because I knew I needed to work on my other essay, but I figured this to be too awesome to be written down just in my personal note book. So here goes:

On Wed night, we had a worship night at Ad Fontes church. Considering the things that happened during my Poland trip (including the lost luggage), although I was already recovered and thankful that at least I myself and Rebekah got home safe, I was still a little bit weary about the whereabouts of our luggage so when people asked me how I was, I was a bit reluctant to say "I'm good". I told a few people about our lost luggage, had dinner with everyone else, and then went into the sanctuary and started singing praises. And throughout the whole night I knew in definite tone that the presence of God was with us. From the moment we sung "You are king over all kings" (Its a Swedish christian song) to Amazing Love to the sharing of 1 Corinthians 14 (we all have different gifts and talents-God just wants us the way we are) to Hebrews 11:7 (God reminded me that faith is believing in the unseen) to God Alone, As the deer, Michelle's prophecy, Linda's prayer about awakening our thirst in Christ, and all of our other sharings, I knew that God provoked every one of us to share what we shared. There was such a clear line of flow as to why we shared what we shared. You can actually HEAR and SEE it. And although I was a bit scared too I actually shared out loud a bit of my past and weaknesses to the whole 50 something brothers and sisters for a few brief minutes. I told them about how weak I was during the Poland trip, how I brought a lot of hurts and pain with my to Sweden but how God has planted me here to give me a new beginning, and how the whole Poland trip gave me an experience with God where I know that even if I may be weak in my faith, God will still remain faithful to us. We also prayed for luggages together as a group and Sarah shared a passage in 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 about us being treasures in jars of clay. And I just have to type this out:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

We constantly make mistakes and sin but this is what Jesus does for us: He gives death to our sins and a new life to His hope. That really stuck to me for the whole night and by the time I left worship I felt reassured that God would give us back our luggage. Rebekah was even more sure about that. And the next day we got back our luggage in the afternoon =].

Then last night, I was picking up the book God Crazy by Michelle Borquez (I don't know why its taking me forever to read this book), and was reading page 56 of it when it suddenly dawned on me how I was reminded again for the second time that we are a jar of clay. In there, it said, from page 55 actually:

A dear friend, Linda Pearson, wrote these beautiful words to my mother:

What does it mean to stain the lives of others with our crushings? We must first begin with some God crazy everyday living steps, and we must love ourselves. Why is the idea of loving ourselves so essential in the path to becoming God-crazy women? If we cannot give grace to ourselves, if we cannot give ourselves the love we deserve and see ourselves as God sees us, then how can we fulfill the purpose He has for our lives? How can we love others? If only we could have as much love, compassion, and forgiveness for ourselves as we do for others, we would all be soaring high on this life of wonder and joy.

This is just truly beautiful isn't it? Its as if God was telling me that I am being moulded and shaped and crushed because that's when all the bad things come out (kind of like squeezing your soaked towel to get rid of all the water) and made dry from all of the impurities and renewed. And the amazing thing is, its during this process that we can share with others and testify to others with our testimony. Not because we are perfect but BECAUSE we aren't perfect. I always had this unconscious perception of myself. I'm not extremely active in church, I have my own sins and faults from the past, I'm not a particular strong Christian, and my faith is pretty weak in times of trouble. So I view myself as a weak witness in Christ. I can't really share a gospel to someone because I sometimes wonder if I myself am good enough to share.

Yet He tells me that I can. And that I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. I shouldn't hate myself for the things I've done in the past or the impurities that I still have. Because just as He's forgiven me I should also forgive myself. As much as how He loves me so I should also love myself. I know this sounds crazy but I don't think I'm very good at loving myself. I may be selfish, I may be wanting a lot of material things in life, I may not care so much about other people as I care about myself and my own strivings, but I may not know how to love myself. Because love includes all the things in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I honestly cannot say that I've done all these to myself and I find myself always in a constant battle with myself about these things. A part of me could be self seeking whereas another part of me gives myself guilt for what I'm doing. Then I keep my own records of wrong and get angry at myself. Get where I'm going?

Anyhow, after the readings from last night, this morning I woke up, read my facebook messages and got reminded for the THIRD time about the jar of clay (back to 2 Corinthians 4:7-12). A friend was sharing with me some very awesome news and I was taken aback by how she is living the parts of the crushings yet fulfilling the "staining others" part because of God's love. (So here I learned that first there is acknowledgement that we are crushed and acknowledgement that we need God, then how we are shaped by God every day and how we can actually act it out in faith) A living example! How awesome.

Ahh I need to write my paper now but I'm excited about what God will reveal to me next. There are a lot of decisions waiting for me to make but I'm sure that faith will bring me to somewhere. =]

Thank you Jesus for listening to our prayers! Thank you for giving me back my luggage today =]. And thank you so much for last night's worship too. It was amazingly awesome how you spoke through every single person and how you moved every one of us who shared and listened last night. There were no messages or sharings planned for last night yet you moved in our hearts to share, whether in our weaknesses, humbleness, brokenness, or just genuine love towards your beauty.

Our past is in your hands. We're covered by your blood. How high, how wide, no matter where I am, healing is in your hands. How deep, how strong, now by your grace I stand, healing is in your hands.

In all things, we know that, we're more than conquerors, you keep us by your love, you keep us by your love.