Sometimes, on days when the sky outside is bright and beautiful, and life seems "All things bright and beautiful" for everyone else but me, I tend to feel like lying in bed all day and covering up my face with my blanket. Sleep is a good medicine, people say. But when I actually sit up and take time to read the bible, I'd know that sleep isn't but instead, the word of God is the most powerful healing power on earth. You no longer focus on yourself but instead, focus on the creator of all beautiful things, the God who also created you and I. How awesome is that?

Maybe not a lot of people understand me or my inner struggles or the barriers that I'm trying to overcome in terms of personal growth, but I know that God will totally understand me and be by my side at all times. I wish I could write poems like Carrie Peng does in order to capture His beauty, but because I'm not as good at poetry, all I can do is copy those of other people's, like David in Psalms. No matter how many times I read this passage, my heart just goes "Ahhh..." and I know that I'm never alone in my struggles.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

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Psalm 103
Joni Eareckson Tada

Is God concerned about the details of your life? Does he care about the "little things"?
Piles of dishes need to be done. The washer leaks a big soapy puddle on the floor-and you've got people coming in an hour. Little things.

Nobody else seems to notice or pay that much mind...so why should God? After all, isn't he the God of the BIG things? Isn't he the one who spoke swirling galaxies into the vast frontiers of space, who measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and calculated the dust of the earth (Isaiah 40:12)?

Why should this great, awesome God notice the tears that came to my eyes this morning at breakfast-when no one else noticed? Why should the Creator of the universe care about the worries that kept me awake until two in the morning? Why should the mighty Sovereign of eternity be concerned about the fact that I'm late for an appointment and can't find a parking place?

Sure, the Bible says he has compassion for his people. But isn't that sort of a "general" compassion for humankind? Isn't that an arms-length kind of compassion? Just how intimately is God involved in our small, petty problems? David says he has the compassion of a father.

I remember my father having a kind of intimate, heartfelt compassion with me. Often when my dad would be busy at his easel, I'd sit on the floor at his side with my crayons and coloring book. Sometimes he'd set his brushes aside, reach down and lift me into his lap. Then he'd fix my hand on one of his brushes and enfold his larger, stronger hand around mine. Ever so gently, he would guide my hand and the brush, and I would watch in amazement as, together, we made something beautiful.

This is the kind of love our God has for us. Fatherlove. The kind, gentle compassion of a dad who deeply cared for his sons and daughters. Maybe you never had a dad like that...but you do have such a father.

Let God's big hand close gently over yours. With his help. even the discouraging scribbles of your life can become a masterpiece. Nothing would delight a father's heart more.

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Tonight I went to Joyce's fellowship and although it was awkward for some moments and I'm not sure if i'll make it my long term fellowship, I was glad and blessed for the messages that I received. We watched a short clip about the needs of this world and how the gospel really needs to be spread to the needy. Then a girl shared about her testimony of when she was trying to spread the gospel to her aunt in Taiwan, and I learned of a story about a girl who was diagnosed with cancer but became healed by the power of God. On top of the miracles and signs that I heard from multiple sharings, I also received an envelope that I chose containing a bible scripture. Rose told us to pray about the scriptures that we received and I THINK I know what God wants to tell me. It was from Galatians 2:20:

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."

Then after I came home and checked facebook, I bumped into a documentary talking about how there's only 3% of the population in Vancouver who believe in Jesus. All else are either athiest, gay, or other types of religion. "We have become a city that is extremely tolerant...no, the word I should be using is embracing culture of diversity", one of the man in the documentary notes. And I agree with that. If someone comes up to me and argues with me that there is no God I wouldn't know how to argue with that. And that's sad.

A friend of mines showed me a promo clip of Vision School not long after I came back from Sweden. Teaches you how to become a missionary. And that reminds me of my promise to God a while back in 2010 fall...that I would dedicate time for missionary work. 2 years straight or on and off. Doesn't matter when. Except I don't know how. Or where. and what exactly.

I really need to focus on what is truly important in our lives now. Not really the job, the fame, the money, relationships, family, anything, but spending time with Him, the almighty and awesome Jesus =]. Lose myself to Him.

This morning, at this moment, I think I'm really blessed to be just be able to sit here and marvel at the beautiful weather outside while I think about all those times that Jesus brought me forth in every step of my life.

Honestly, I'm someone who tends to forget good things, happy things fast, but always remembers the sad moments and the hurtful moments that I experienced in life. Maybe thats why I'm pessimistic to start with, and I tend to think lowly of myself in a lot of aspects of life...whether its in relationships, school, or work. But the problem with that is the more that I think this way, the more that I become this way. Because negative thoughts can be a tool that Satan uses to control you and make you fall down, but the grace and love of God will always be able to bring you back up, if you believe.

A lot of people say that only the weak choose to believe in a religion, or even Jesus, because they can't do a lot of things by themselves and so must rely on an outer source to be their back up. But I say its because we see the gifts from God that we choose to believe in Him. Our lives are a gift from Him. Our wisdom to discern that He is the true God and creator of all things are a gift from Him too. Everything we experience is a gift from Him. That's why in everything we can put our trust in God, and in everything we can rely on Him and hold on to him steadfast.

We are a children of God.

Before I wrote this, I was still worrying a whole lot about my phone interview tomorrow morning. I read the job description and criteria back and forth last night, and recognized how I'm totally under qualified for this job. So how is it that I can get a phone interview from them? I felt so compelled to just cancel and back out of the interview because I feel like I'm going to make a fool of myself answering their questions, and I felt this hidden fear inside of me swell out like it has countless of other moments in my life before. It goes something like this:

thought: Kathy, are you serious? Do you think you really can get this job? You're so incompetent! Look at you, you're so lazy, you're such a little girl. You can't even support yourself. You aren't a leader. How can you handle the responsibility?

me: Well, I'll just try! I'm going to motivate myself...I'm going to start researching and seeing what types of questions to answer, I'm going to have a carefree conversation with the interviewer

thought: You always just talk talk talk and never take action. Even if you prepare you won't get everything done in time. Even if you prepare you still won't perform well and you know it. You're such a loser pfttt.

me: Ya, maybe you're right *then panic mode starts to kick in*

I think that's what happened to my Vancouver Olympics opportunity. Or even my previous Co-op position. Because in a way I feel like I'm trapped and can't handle the responsibility. I'm scared to face reality and the responsibility that comes with it. So I push everything back to the backs of my mind and do everything "at my own pace". And when everyone is so motivated I'm so un motivated. I don't know why. I think thats the irony that a lot of teenagers feel these days. Head knowledge versus action. But I'm not a teenager any more.

But after typing this entry, I think I feel a lot much better. Because I know that I have a higher God that I can look up to in all things. Maybe in life I don't have anyone to look up to or really seek for total advice, but I know that someday "the things of earth will go strangely dim, in the light of His Glory and Grace" =]. Look above. Not down.

A step at a time.

PS: I love my Valentines gift this year ^^". A few actually! 1. Girlfriends coming over to make food and bake with me 2. Kind of surprised Wendy for her birthday 3. Someone from the other side of the world to call me and say Happy Valentines to me. 4. A photo book of lovely us <3<3<3

From: Joyce Meyer Promises for Everyday life

Love Everyone Differently

The Bible says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. God spent time and exercised His creativity with each of us, so it would stand to reason that He didn't create us all exactly the same, wouldn't it?

Unfortunately, we Christians sometimes try to love others as if they are all the same.

You'll find that not all people need the same thing from you. One of your children, for example, may need more of your personal time than another does. One friend may need more encouragement on a regular basis than another. Some people just need different forms of love.

Respecting individual rights is also very important. Selfish people expect everyone to be like they are, but love respects the differences in people. If God had wanted all of us to be alike, He would not have given each of us a different set of fingerprints. I believe that fact alone proves we are created equal but different.

We all have different gifts and talents, different likes and dislikes, different goals in life and different motivations. A loving person respects and encourages the differences in others.

Prayer Starter: God, help me to appreciate the differences in others and then love them accordingly. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank You for the amazing creation of each individual You have placed in my life.

Hmmm...what now?

Dear Xanga,

I can't believe its already been one month past 2012! Ever since I came back all I've really been doing is eat, sleep, relax, and work. I've also been applying for full time positions but other than that I feel really contented with my life right now which means I'm really happy but not motivated to strive for anything in particular right now. Except for the fact that I'm in desperate need of money right now =P. But with my part time job right now the maximum I can earn per month would only be approximately 1000 CAD, which means that minus my phone bill and gas would leave me with maybe 850-900 per month. And then 100 would go into my long term investments and 500 would go into my savings and another 100 for offering...so my spending money after all my calculations would look something like this:

1000
-50 phone
-100 gas
-100 investments
-500 TFSA savings
-100 offering
=150 CAD

=[ . Oh man that's just so so sad lol. I can probably only afford to go eat out 5 times and buy one item if I really want to. Good thing is I didn't include my red pocket money into the calculation =]. So I can possibly include it in and have approx. 300 to spend for the month of Feb and another 300 for march after a split up =].

Mmm...

Onto another topic. These past two weeks I've been attending Eagle Ridge Bible Fellowship but whereas the last sermon didn't really strike me, I think today's reminded me that I am the light and salt of Jesus whether I notice it or not. And because of this I can always make an impact on another person and minister and serve God that way.

You see, ever since I moved over to Sweden, I felt like I wasn't doing much for God. I was no longer serving in any church so I was no longer participating in singspiration leading activities or fellowship committee planning activities, and all I could do was sometimes send a random message or two to encourage other people. But along the way I also felt the presence of God with me throughout my stay in Sweden and I felt really blessed because of it because I felt loved to the bottom of my heart.

So today, when the pastor was talking about the three types of ministry (He talked about Jeremiah 29), I was once again encouraged to take content in what I'm doing right now even though I'm not actually serving in any particular position at the moment. I'm encouraged to continue being initiative in caring for others around me, to listen to their worries and concerns and to lend them a shoulder when they need it. Too many times it just takes that one phone call or one text message to win someone from doing something stupid or make them feel a lot better. And since I have more time on hand now, why not use it to serve others instead of just worrying about myself? Yes I know I still need to plan my times better and get things done before its too late, but I think God plans a different stage and time in life for us so that we can sometimes be busy for ourselves and what He wants for us but sometimes also busy for others.

So the three types are:

A ministry of presence: a ministry of being there for others when they need you. So if a friend needs you to talk and listen to them and encourage them, that is a way of serving them.

A ministry of peace: a ministry whereby you bring peace to different types of situation. Sometimes this could be your workplace where your co-workers or managers are the people you see more often than your family members.

and a ministry of prayer: The pastor said something really bang on this morning. When you love someone, you want to give them so much more than you can offer. And when you want that for the other person, you pray to God about it. Because we feel that only God can help us give that person whatever they desire or we desire for them. And even though we know that God may not answer our prayers in exactly what we ask for, He always listens and provides according to His loving ways.

So there was this story that happened a week ago for a church family. A couple had planned for a home event to house 75-80 people at their backyard so that they could have a time of gathering. They expected that much people and had prepared that much food already but what they didn't expect was that there would be rain on a supposedly sunny day. So not a lot of people came and for those who came, they weren't very happy. What ended up happening was that the couple was a bit upset but decided to pack all the food up and save it for something else. But they couldn't think of what to do with all the food. And suddenly the husband thought of The Potters House, which he has never been to before, and remembered that they take donations of all kinds, so he drove all the way there and knocked on their door that rainy afternoon. Someone opened the door and asked "What can I do for you?" And the husband told him he had food to donate for 75-80 people. Then all of a sudden a group of people inside the church started dancing and cheering and praising God because amazingly, the church needed exactly that amount of portion of food for an event that night. They invited all the people but actually didn't have enough food to provide and had been praying the whole day about it. So when the husband came, they knew God had answered their prayers.

Sometimes, God just works that way. Sometimes, in our eyes, things are bad and we become upset about it. I mean, I'm pretty sure the couple wasn't totally happy about how their home event didn't work out and people complained about it. But when we catch a glimpse of God's plans, then we can see why and understand why certain things happened the way it did. So in this event, the food was donated to those in much more desperate of need.

And for some of us, like I heard from praise 106.5 just yesterday, we were broken because only broken people can serve breaking people. Only with understanding can we show more compassion and not just sympathy. A lesson that I'm still trying hard to learn since I'm so selfish =__="

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Its been almost four days since I've come back home and it feels strange how every single morning I'd wake up remembering about Lund, Sweden, and all the experiences I've had in Europe for exchange, but almost forget everything by the end of each day because I'd be so full of life in Vancouver (as in getting used to here). A part of me wants to believe that I've really changed for the better because of my exchange experiences, and that part of me wants to keep it that way by continuing to foster a better me. But another part of me seems to be changing back to the old me, and its so hard to fight back the tendency to draw back to that little dark corner of mines and shelter myself from everything else. That little girl who used to be so selfish and ignorant. Not that I'm not ignorant now either.

其實我真的很容易被別人的意見所受影響，也很容易因為別人對我的看法而情緒可以由開心變到不開心。也許我要學習堅定一點，不要再那麼在意他們的說話。

Just came back from Italy this past week and really...I love venice <3.

一個一個他們都要回家了。一個一個我要跟他們說再見了。真的會再見吧，對不對？

Someone once said, with love comes hurt. The two can never be apart. So when you're ready to love you're also ready to expose yourself to any kind of hurt possible. In friendships I think one of the hurts would be seeing friend's come and go in your life. At one time in your bus ride, the bunch of you rode on the travel together. You saw the same scenery, caught a glimpse of each other's back seat, and maybe had a nice chat here and there. But eventually we all have to get off at different bus stops, maybe a few will accompany you in your first few stops and next few bus rides but never exactly the same. I guess it's the same with all kinds of other relationships too, but with friendships you experience the pain to another degree...something like bitter sweet because you know maybe you'll have the chance to see them again but maybe everything won't be the same anymore...for better or for worse...who knows?

Still, with love and hurt also comes strength and weakness. I remember telling a friend yesterday how I feel weird because I haven't cried at all ever since people started leaving from Lund. I told her I thought I was cold blooded. And she told me it's probably I handle the situation differently. Perhaps I don't cry because I don't feel like this is really goodbye? Perhaps I will miss them but I know someday somehow I will see every single one if them once again. Or perhaps, Im just unconsciously building up everything for my own leave on January 23...maybe on the plane I'll cry like crazy like I did on the ride here halfway through.

Alas, the sun will shine at the end of the storm and the light blue sky will awaken me up to a new chapter in life . Keep up the spirit girl. Keep up the spirit.

From John Meyer's Promise for everyday life: Day 48

Nothing Is Impossible

People who think positively can see potential in even the most discouraging situations, while those who think negatively are quick to point out problems and limitations. This goes beyond the proverbial idea of simply seeing a glass "half full" or "half empty" and extends to actually making decisions and taking actions based on either positive or negative thinking. Have you ever noticed how negative thinking blows things out of proportion? Problems start to seem larger and much more difficult than they really are. Sometimes, a problem may actually be impossible...in the natural. And a negative mindset forgets that nothing is impossible to God. Meditating on God's Word will rid you of negativity and help you refocus on who God is. A positive mindset based on God's Word knows that nothing is beyond God. He is always present. I've trained my brain to believe God and His Word, and I've experienced the power available to me through God when I've trusted Him more than my circumstances. We need to always remember that nothing is impossible with God.

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With a start to a new year, usually I'd say I'll have a new resolution and a must do item list, but this year, I just feel like things will be "new" anyhow and I just need to prep myself for the ride and be ready to get off at the right stop at the right time. Perhaps I should also start believing in what Joyce mentions today for my devotion...nothing is impossible, even if situations seem discouraging and my logic tells me that probably things won't work the way I'd like it to.

But I'm happy =]. I'm happy and thankful for all the things that are happening in my life every single day now. And no way do I take it for granted. Just yesterday I moved over to my new home in Lund for the next month or so and I just love it very very much. Being able to stay with 6 other friends makes me feel like I have a family over here in Sweden and it makes me feel right at home. I've never had a 熱鬧 home before so I really treasure the times I have with them...even if I'm not much of a talker and I like to listen to whatever they have to say. God has definitely planted so many friends around my life to be blessings to me. All the Christmas presents, cards, text messages, new years count down...aii...how can I be so 幸福?

Yes I'm scared to come back to Vancouver. I'm scared of reality. As one by one all of my friends who have graduated have found jobs already I'm even more nervous because I feel like everybody has moved on to the next stage but I'm still here. So I guess my one big must do list is to be better at planning and dedicate myself every single day once I come back to job searching. Back at part time February =]. That I'm looking forward to.

幸福，從我相信我是公主開始。。。

I believe la =]. I am a 公主！Hahaha...and I'll try to believe in happily ever afters from now on.

一月一號。。。我希望我已經找到了我的幸福 =]. 神啊，我求祢祝福我們吧，好嗎？可以嗎？