I don't want people to ask me whether I have someone I'm interested in right now. I appreciate it if people want to introduce me to new friends but I don't want my friends to introduce me to guys with the intention of hooking me up with someone. I don't want people to make me feel bad just because I'm single right now. Being single is not a sin and it's something that I know I'll need to be in for the next little while. Which means I dont plan on being in a relationship for at least a year or two. Which means I don't have the heart to love someone new. Stonehearted as this seems, I know that this is for the better good of me because I simply can't love when I'm not even fully capable of loving myself. I also can't love when I haven't fully understood God's love for me and His divine position in my life. I cant love someone new when my heart is still stuck in a pit.

So please. Just leave me be.

This morning as I sat in the chapel listening to the eulogy of a distant relative, I couldn't help but think back to an activity that we did in class just a few weeks before.  In the activity, Chris asked us to picture this scenario:

Imagine that you were dead and you were allowed to be at your own funeral.  As people gather inside of the chapel, who do you see?  Who do you want to see at your funeral?  How are these people reacting?  What would you want them to remember about you?  When friends and family give eulogies about you, what would you want them to say?  What would you want to have accomplished by then?

As I kept thinking about these questions inside of my head, I started feeling tears on the rim of my eyes because I couldn't imagine myself dead.  But with all the things that are happening around the world right now, there is no prediction about what would happen next.  I don't "think" I'm afraid to die but I "feel" afraid about it. Maybe this just shows how little faith I am.

But as the speaker mentioned this morning, take to heart the people who are around you right now.  Take to heart every moment you have on this beautiful planet, despite the distortion that exists.  Take to heart every chance you have to breath. 
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When I die, I want my funeral to be by the lake or the sea. I want my ashes to be blown away by the wind freely so that I can fly. I want people to be happy and be able to run around, kicking sand and celebrating that I am finally in heaven. I want Jesus to be there to witness this significant finale in my life and be able to bless the people who attend.  I want bright colors and no dull colors like black.  I want it to be a party where people can sing praise and worship God.  I want friends and family to remember me as the Kathy who might not have accomplished much but have at least brought a smile on their face once in their lifetime.

That's me. Kathy Tse.

Today has been quite exhausting despite the fact that I didn't really accomplish that much.  Morning I just woke up at 9:30, dropped down my mom, went to the bank to deposit my check, went to the post office to mail a letter to Carrie (Yes Carrie if you're reading this I'm SENDING YOU A LETTER!), waited for the bus for ages, finally went up to SFU to read for a bit, went to the Career Expo workshop, went back to the library, waited for Kiwi to get off class, came home to eat dinner, then went to BSF prayer group.

I'm actually quite excited about the opportunities that are out there for me if I attend everything I can possibly find that can get me a job =].  According to the speaker at the workshop today there'll be over 84 companies at the Career Expo next week and all of them will be looking to hire business students who are about to graduate.  And the good part is, this expo is exclusively for business students at SFU and UBC = no outsiders to compete with! (There's enough insiders to compete with though). 

Appearance isn't everything but apparently it takes up 84% of the chances of whether an employer will hire you or not (along with your personality).  Skills only take about 16%.  So what does that mean for me?  That means I'll need to purchase a leather folder, professional pen, have business cards, and a card holder by next Friday.  Tight deadline since I still have a few things to do next week, including work, mentor meeting, emily carr, and Co-op applications (Yes I'm planning on trying to complete another Co-op term before I leave for Sweden =] )

I also registered for 3 HR courses during the summer semester just in case I all of a sudden decide that I should do all schooling during the summer, in which case, guess what?  After these 3 HR courses I CAN GRADUATE!  They're all I have left. So that sounds cool right? =P
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Today after class, I walked around Granville Island by myself in search of good food and ended up at Tony's Fish and Oyster Cafe.  It was super crowded inside but fortunately for me, I found a seat at the bar and enjoyed my lunch staring at the cooks making the battered fish and chips. 

Later, after joining the CCF and Revere Cry network members at the Anglican church, (where we prayed and I heard two sharings), the bunch of us decided to go to Granville Island for a walk and to get some ice-cream.  That was a total surprise for me because I didn't expect to go back after class.  But being able to hang out with Cheryl and others was wonderful because I got to experience what I've thought of giving up inside of me, which is the childhood side of me.  As I saw Light and others getting excited over a playground and a waterpark, I couldn't help but realize that no matter how old we are, we will always have a child inside of our hearts.  And sometimes, its okay to display it.  Even when others don't accept you for the child you are inside, its still alright as long as you acknowledge and accept that aspect of yourself.  Don't ever let others make you doubt about that child inside of you, because its that childish aspect that makes you want to explore the world in an exciting way and its that child that makes you have the passion and desire to chase down your dreams. 
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I have a dream. ×

其實我還是跟以前一樣，好想好像保護你。只不過，已我跟你現在的距離來說，真的比以前更加無能為力。 And I won't either. Because I can't and don't have the right to.

Today I went to watch Cirque Du Soleil-Quidam, at Roger's Arena, but unlike last year, the excitement wasn't there anymore.  The atmosphere was different too.  everything was different.

I guess I missed last year's performance.

Long time no update on Xanga again =[.  I feel like I'd rather just upload photos onto Facebook and not update my xanga with photos anymore.  But then again I love Xanga too much to abandon it =].  This week has been quite chaotic for me as I went through a lot of changes (yet again) but I learned a lot of lessons along the way too =].  I went from employed to unemployed to employed again =].  To keep the long story short I quit my Co-op position at SOA Systems Inc. because of some work related issues (and SFU is totally supporting me in that-I can't talk in depth about the problem because I'm afraid It's supposed to remain confidential) and I'm working at my part-time job at Kebe once again <3.

So after leaving SOA Systems, I had more time to work on other things that I wanted to do, including meeting up with Wendy to go out and relax for just a bit =].  I enjoyed a day in DT with her and dinner at Le Gavroche, a french restaurant located just off of Robson on Alberni Ave.  I wouldn't say the food is amazing but its still genuinely good and I like the atmosphere that it offers (although its sad I'm single!-but that's alright =] I don't mind going with Wendy either! ^^). 

Today I started work at Kebe again and oh my do I miss the atmosphere there!  Unlike SOA Kebe is so much more relaxing and (well, not fun) but "likable" that I feel more confirmed that I made the right decision to leave SOA. 

In the next few weeks I will be waiting for reply from Census Canada to see if they will hire me as well as look towards internship opportunities that Westminster Savings may be able to offer me.  In the meantime I will start planning for my trip to Sweden, continue school at SFU and Emily Carr, and relax for just a bit =D.

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God is so amazing in the way he works he promised me to give me righteousness and justice and just yesterday everything was given to me at once. I don't know how to explain the joy I'm experiencing right now but I just want to say that because of Jesus,I am much stronger now there is still a long ways to go for me to discover myself this year but I know that God will prepare the road ahead for me....I know he will!!

More about how god gave me justice in another entry
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I like it at night sometimes.  Because usually at night time its really still and silent and it is the best time to hear the crickets outside, the rustling of leaves, and...well, the beating of your heart and thoughts.  Yes, its the best time to hear your thoughts clearly.  Its also the best time to hear God's words for me too.  Because at night I'm almost always calm, whereas in the day time I'm almost always nervous or stressed out about something.  Not that I don't stressed out at night time...its just that there's a sense of peace that comes with it. 
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Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye, my love

I can't hide
Can't hide
Can't hide what has come.
I have to go, I have to go, I have to go
And leave you alone

But always know, always know, always know
That I love you so
I love you so
I love you so
Oh

[chorus]
Goodbye, brown eyes
Goodbye for now
Goodbye, sunshine
Take care of yourself

I have to go, I have to go, I have to go
And leave you alone
But always know, always know, always know
That I love you so, I love you so, oh.
I love you so.
Oh.

La lullaby. Distract me with your eyes.
La lullaby. la lullaby. Help me sleep tonight.
La lullaby (la lullaby, la lullaby)
I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
And leave you alone

But always know, always know, always know
That I love you so
I love you so
(Goodbye)
(Lullaby)
I love you so
(Goodbye)
(Lullaby)
I love you so
(Goodbye)
(Lullaby)
I love you so
(Goodbye)
(Lullaby)
I love you so
I love you so

Goodbye, brown eyes
Goodbye my love
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