Let the leaves fall...then let them grow again
I posted this last week on Facebook. No idea why I wrote it that night when I knew I had something due the next day...I guess I felt an impulse pushing me to write and remember what has happened in the last past year or so...
Last fall, I felt horrible. But God used it to show me things that I never knew.
In around October when Passion Vancouver was happening, my eyes started swelling and I'd feel constantly fatigue for no reason at all. I didn't know what was happening but I just knew that I was really tired. I thought it might've been school that was causing me to be stressed, or the need to find a coop or job because I was really worried and desperate for one. Then, one night, while dreaming about finding jobs, I woke up dizzy and felt like I wanted to puke. I went back to sleep, dreamed of the same thing, and then ended up actually puking. The next two days I couldn't eat anything because whatever I ate I puked it back out. I puked sometimes even when I drank water.
Turns out I was infected with mono, pretty common but something I had never gotten before. My family doctor showed me how my lymphatic system was infected (thus the swelling of eyes) and recommended that I stay at home for the next two weeks because chances were, if I walked around in crowded places, and people bump into me, my spleen would burst and I'd have internal bleeding (because mono makes all of your organs swell too). Slightly irritated, I went back home feeling like a mess and just lied there on my bed, feeling quite dead because I was so so tired.
And I started feeling angry. Angry because I started getting acne all over my face (not part of the symptoms of mono). Angry because my marks were hitting rock bottom and I couldn't do anything because I felt too stupid. Angry because I was so dizzy and unhappy from all the puking and sore throat I was experiencing. Angry for all the things that I felt unfair and hurt for ever since I was a child. Out of my control, memories would start enveloping me and I'd cry every single day. Yes. Like a baby. I "felt" horrible.
And then I was mad at God. I was spiritually and mentally ill. I wanted healing but felt like I received non. On one occasion I remember standing in front of the mirror, looking at myself, when my mom came and asked me in the most soft voice ever, "Do you want someone to pray for you? Do you want Kiwi to pray for you?" and I shook my head violently in silence. Then my mom and Kiwi walked out of my room. I didn't want prayers anymore. I didn't want to speak to Him. I felt weak.
Then I started getting better physically. Two weeks later I was still experiencing some sort of fatigue but my swelling decreased and I was able to attend school again. I lost 10 lbs. Exams, projects, and friends kept me busy but I was never fully healed from my depression. I could laugh, smile, pretend that I was okay but I still felt horrible inside. I asked God, "Where is my healing?"
But when I asked Him this, he only gave me more challenges. So I wanted to run. Run away from everything. Run away from Vancouver. That was why I initially applied for exchange in December. Not because I wanted to see more of the world but because I wanted to escape. I thought that would be the best way possible. But I couldn't go right away, I had to wait until fall of this year.
Now, more than half a year has passed, and God has shown me how gracious and loving He is to me, even when I don't understand everything that He does. At the beginning of the year, I was able to start working at my current part time job (a place I really enjoy working), at the middle of January, a coop job that taught me how to confront, challenge, and motivate myself, in February, a mentorship program that set me up with a good business mentor, in March and April, a time to enjoy one of the best SFU courses I experienced in my four years of education, and in May, a time to travel, meet new friends, and see my dad. Along the way, God has taught me lots of lessons, more than I can imagine. He has revealed to me how he is using his ways to heal me and His power to mold and shape me. His way to prepare me for whatever is to come. How ignorant I was! And still am!
And when I was sad, when I was weak, God had planted several angels around me to help protect and support me. He knew exactly what would happen and so he planted delicately, without a flaw. I read each and every one of the notes that the lovely ladies in Joshua Fellowship wrote to me, listened to my friend's suggestions and comforting words, and experienced a lot of warmth when I saw some homemade gifts and random text messages.
Recently, I read a book about a girl named Much-Afraid. She lived in a village called the valley of Humiliation. There, she was often bullied by her relatives called Fear. But a kind Shepherd promises her that if she was willing, He would turn her crooked and slow feet into Hind's Feet and set her up on the mountains, to the Kingdom of Love. But she must first learn to wait.
I am waiting.
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I must try to visit the mountains where Hannah got her inspirations for writing Hind's Feet on High Places...
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