Dear Jesus,

I'm giving you my heart right now♥.  I want my heart and soul to be all yours. Would you please protect it until the time comes when you'll give it to that perfect person you have in mind for me?

Thank you!

Love, Kathy

As I lie in bed right now, and am re-capturing the moments of today, I am in awe, just complete awe, because of the beauty that God has created. This afternoon, as I looked out at the waves at Cox Bay beach, I could honestly say that I was scared. Just earlier that morning I was convinced that surfing was a bad idea for me and I had dreaded to come; Wendy Cheung said my face was all scrunched up. So when it was actual time for us to hit the water, I was the last one to walk in and the last one to hop on the board. Wave after wave I got smashed by the waves and a few times when I got wiped out I almost felt like I was going go drown...even though the water wasn't very deep at all. But the more I stood up to the waves, each time getting up, walking deeper into the waters and running at the waves with my surf board, I became more strong and willing to try. In the end, I didn't succeed in standing on the board but I did get my knees up and one foot up lol. All this made me appreciate the waves much more. They were the beauty of the ocean, and when you are able to ride them, you will be able to enjoy them.

Then I thought back to tonight, at toquin park beach. There, the four of us watched the sun set and took numerous pictures. As we sat there to wait for the night go get dark, we could slowly make out the stars one by one. It was as if God was turning a light switch on for each individual star,so that when we finally could not see the sun anymore, there were billions and trillions of star shining brightly down at us. At 11:30pm, it was my first time lying down on the beach with my face up, looking at the clear night sky, and the first time I heard the waves at the same time. It was like magic. The moment was precious. We praised God through our prayers tonight. How awesome is He to have created such a beautiful universe!

I could sing of your love, forever~
I could sing of your love, forever~
I could sing of your love, forever~
I could sing of your love, forever~
Hallelujah!

Good songs good songs ♥
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Stawamus Chief
-My beginning understanding of Hind's feet on high places

Psalm 144: 1-3

 ¹ Praise be to the LORD my Rock,
   who trains my hands for war,
   my fingers for battle.
² He is my loving God and my fortress,
   my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield, in whom I take refuge,
   who subdues peoples under me.

 ³ LORD, what are human beings that you care for them,
   mere mortals that you think of them?
⁴ They are like a breath;
   their days are like a fleeting shadow.

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Yesterday, me and eleven other companions set off to Stawamus Chief on a bright sunny morning (8am) to go for one of the most adventurous hikes I've ever been to (actually, it was my first ) and I was so amazed at how I actually reached the top!  And throughout the whole experience, I went from "I won't be able to make it to the top! How could I?  I don't even exercise!" to"Even if I fall and slide and get tired I will still be able to finish!" 

A quick Wikipedia definition reveals that:

The Stawamus Chief (often referred to as simply The Chief, or erroneously as the Squamish Chief) is a granite dome located adjacent to the town of Squamish, British Columbia. It towers over 700 m (2,297 ft) above the waters of nearby Howe Sound. It is often claimed to be the "second largest granite monolith in the world."^[1] The Sḵwxwú7mesh, indigenous people from this area, consider the Chief to be a place of spiritual significance. The mountain gets its name from their village near its foot, St'a7mes (Stawamus).

On the way up, there was a part where there was this large granite rock and on the side of it was a long chain.  The objective was to use the long chain as a support to get to the top.  But once I started up, I realized I couldn't reach the other rock because my legs were too short and there was no way I could pull myself up because of my poor arm strength.  But then a man from behind (we were waiting in line with all other hikers), came forward to help me by putting his leg between a crack and asked me to step on his leg as a support to the other rock.  Although hesitant, I really did follow his suggestions and ended up safe and sound.  From that moment on, I started re-thinking the story of Much Afraid and how she needed the support of Sorrow and Suffering in order to enter the Kingdom of Love. 

Its true, we all need encouragement, love, and support in order to reach our goals and fulfillment of what Jesus wants for every one of us. I think that's why we have fellowship.  We can't walk or hike up the mountain alone.  We need support from others. 

When we reached Peak three and as I sat there singing 我要向高山舉目with Wai Ho and a few others, I thought I finally understood what Much Afraid must have experienced when she saw parts of the Kingdom of Love.  Although I could not climb to the top of other mountains I saw on either sides of me, I did finish Peak 3 of Stawamus, and that in itself offered me a great view of the valleys and cities underneath.  Looking down, I could see cars passing by and smoke coming up the chimneys of houses...and that made me think: "How many of them have climbed up this mountain?  And saw the wonderful view that I did? They are so close, yet so far because they are beneath, and we are above...I wish everyone could see what I see here."  That must've been the perception of Much Afraid when she looked down at the Valley of Humiliation and thought of all her friends and relatives who have not yet known about the Shepherd and who have not come up to the Kingdom of Love. She must've wanted them to share in the joy that she was experiencing with the Shepherd.  
 
 
 
 
 
                  
                  
 

While we were heading down the mountain, I fell twice because of slippery grounds, and my legs became even more tired.  During that course of the trip, I think I felt most incompetent because passer bys (even an old man with a stick) was climbing faster than I was and out of the eleven companions, I was at the back of the line.  As I saw people jumping down the mountain like they were already familiar with the roads, I thought about Much Afraid again and how she once looked at a deer and hind leaping up and down the mountain with no difficulty at all.  I think I understand now how she must've felt incompetent herself with her limp legs, eager to be transformed into Hind's legs.

 
 
                   
 
 
And the Shepherd did that for her.  So Jesus must do the same for me .  Just maybe in another form of Hind's leg.

And at last, when we were almost to the bottom, we passed by Stawamus fall, and I thought I heard the rushing waters willing to fall down to the low places...full of joy

Thank you Jesus for being with me throughout the trip! And my awesome companions.
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Good times good times .  Went to Sushi Town with Kelvin, Ryan, Leo, and Geoff and had some good laughs in between.  Then went to Superstore with Sheila, Leo, Coleen, and Geoff and Coleen helped me pick out a pair of PINK shoes ^^" (so satisfied with the $14 price).  Then went to Silvercity with Leo, Daniel, Sheila, Peter, Jonathan, Kelvin, Ricky, Derek, Issac, Coleen, and Ryan to watch Transformers =]. Sighs what a nice night.  I could even see the stars at night on the way home. 

It's so nice and so much better to hang out with my high school friends sometimes...no baggage at all and no worries of trying to be who I want people to view me as...I can scream, laugh, jump, act stupid and they'll still take me for who I am =] Maybe they'd laugh at me for being stupid and weird but they'd still accept me as Kathy Tse-the girl who acts weird at random times.

I love my aiya ar gor Leo Chan.  He's the best listener (but also zut) person ever but I just really really like spilling out everything to him all the time.  He's also someone to make me laugh and whom I can laugh at 24/7 =].  So Leo, if you're reading this, just know how much I acknowledge you as a very important friend in my life =].  Despite the fact that we argue a lot over matters.

Wai Ho¡

I might not be in the best mood right now but this made my day on Sunday besides being able to go up to Whistler village =]. 

First photo taken and made by Kiwi:

This is Wai Ho Wu, one of my 導師s. It was his birthday yesterday so we went up to his place to surprise him on Sunday night.  Although Wai Ho isn't my closest 導師, he's one of the Godly men whom I look up to in a lot of aspects.  For one thing, he sets an example for us all to follow by sharing with us his own struggles, his own fears, and then how God enables him to acknowledge and change these things.  He isn't just someone high on authority telling us what to do, but he is to the ground and shows us how a person after God's heart should react.  In a lot of aspects, he's already a very good father figure to us Joshuans, and have been ever since the day he became our mentor three years ago.  不知不覺，I've been in this fellowship for over three years...不知不覺，I have been blessed by this fellowship through the ups and downs of my life...不知不覺，this has become my family. 

Thank you to Abba 天父, I have Wai Ho, Wynnie, Fiona, and Joseph as my mentor ...which means I have four fathers, three mothers, and countless brothers and sisters ^^. 
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PS: I once heard on Saturday night that when we pray, we should always thank God because then we'd be able to count our blessings.  That's exactly what I need right now.  Blessings instead of me making myself all miserable and hurting the people around me because of things I'm not satisfied with.

Even if I can't wake up early enough tomorrow morning for the 8:30am service, I MUST talk about this right now!  Because God is just so amazing!

On Friday, when I was at school attending my BUS 432 class, I checked my status for accommodation at Lund University.  It said I was wait listed. Unsure of what that really meant, I checked the footnote to make sure, and it said that being wait listed meant that all accommodations were now full and that I must be ready to look for accommodation myself because there is the chance that I won't have anywhere near campus to live.  Shocked, I started to become upset because I was always so sure that I wouldn't have to worry about my accommodation.  "I'm under the housing guarantee agreement," I thought,"There's no way that they cannot help me." Of course, I still had faith that God would allow me to go on my trip, but it was becoming dimmer and I struggled over the fact that on top of everything else I had to do, I had to search for a place to live within the month's time that I have left. I also had fear and a small doubt started to grow within me. "Will I really be able to go? Will God really help me?"

I also had to lead bible study that night, which I was totally unready for.  Just the night before I finished my paper at 3:30am.  Which meant I had approximately 4 hours of sleep.  As I got ready to head out the door for fellowship, my heart suddenly got burdened and I prayed to Jesus that he would give me strength for the bible study as well as let me know how I should deal with my accommodation issue.  I told him "Jesus I'm so unhappy!" and then off I go to church. 

And then something special happened.  God listened to my prayer and revealed his answer to me within the same night, within hours, something that rarely happens to me.  After the singspiration at the beginning of fellowship, Wai Ho gave a sharing of 2 Kings 6:8-23.  There, Elisha was about to encounter his enemies, the Arameans, and Elisha's servant was quite afraid of the fact.  "Oh, my lord, what shall we do?" the servant asked.  And Elisha answered, "Don't be afraid" and then prayed to God to open his servant's eyes to see the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.  And so the servant's eyes was opened to see these things.  What Wai Ho brought out of his sharing (and he talked about one of his fears) was that fear, or being fearful, can hinder us to see what God sees.  When we are afraid, we tend to think in a negative and doubtful tendency so that matters are not solved in a calm manner.  But when we put these fears aside and focus on the problem itself, we see things in a different perspective and thus, see things we didn't before.  Maybe we are too focused on our own fears so we neglect to see God's blessings.  Or maybe we are just too focused on ourselves overall.

Then Wai Ho asked us to pray and enjoy the prescence of God for a few minutes, and so I sat there meditating on His Words.  But when I looked over at my bible again (the women's bible given to me by Eunice), I saw a sharing by an author called Carol Kent about the same passage, and this was what she wrote:

Facing Fear

[Hear are] five truths to consider when you're tempted to feel hopeless and trapped in fear of the future:
1. Life is full of negative things that might happen.  Life is hard, and it shouldn't surprise us that a fallen world will provide disappointment, painful losses, unfulfilled expectations and sadness.
2. As long as I choose a path of personal growth, I will face fearful situations.  The day nothing happens that makes us feel a little bit afraid, we'd better watch out!  We may have quit breathing!  New opportunities and challenges bring numerous, fearful situations that we must deal with!
3. Acknowledging my anxieties is a positive first step.  Seek help from experts in an area of concern.  Or discuss your fears with your spouse or good friend. 
4. An attitude of optimism will make today more enjoyable.  Seek out humorous thoughts and anecdotes.
5. Choosing a faith-filled decision is much less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from feeling helpless.  Moving out in faith may seem frightening, risky, impossible, senseless, stretching, gut-wrenching and unnatural.  But it's worth it!

The last point, point 5, was the one that struck me.  Of course! Living with faith does not mean that there's no fear but that it will be much better than if you lived in fear, feeling helpless because you can't come out of it.  Living with faith-filled decisions means that you are trying to accomplish something despite the fact that you are afraid, and that by doing so, you will also overcome and win over your fear.  That's the beauty of fear.  Once you overcome it, it no longer is fear but becomes a new quality, trait, or accomplishment within you.  Once upon a time you were afraid of heights.  But you overcame it and now you're climbing one of the highest mountains and gaining more and more confidence.

So with a click of the brain, I realized the first thing that God was telling me.  He wanted me to know that I did not have to be afraid, that I could let go of this and other types of fear that I have so that I could see more of what He wants me to see about my journey.  He wants me to choose the faith-filled decisions and continue going through with it, and that by going on my exchange, I will overcome some of my fears.  "Turn your eyes upon Jesus~" I heard the choir singing in the next room while meditating on these thoughts.

Afterwards, while leading bible study, I suddenly felt a strong connection between me and Moses.  The chapter taught was Exodus 3-4:17, and there, God revealed to Moses in the form of a burning bush on top of Mount Sinai, the Mountain of God, and told him of his plans to rescue the Israelite out of Egypt.  Of course, the plan included Moses.  So when Moses learned about all this, he became afraid and backed out by asking God "Who am I that I shouldgo to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out ofEgypt?")v. 11-12.  And God answered "I will be with you." 

Once I taught up to that part, I realized that God was saying the exact same thing to me, and that I was like Moses, asking God "Who am I that I should go on this exchange trip?  I don't even know how to take care of myself or support myself financially!" But instead of answering me by telling me who I am, God just told me that I needn't worry because He will be with me and that is all that I need to know.  I shouldn't focus on myself or whether or not I am competent enough to study abroad.  I should just focus on God and have faith that this trip is part of God's plan to transform me.  Just like how He transformed Moses. 

So with these two messages, I was greatly comforted by His touch.

Then this morning, while praying with a group of brothers and sisters at 7am in the morning, God once again spoke to me, but He only gave me three words: faith, faithfulness, and compassion.  I didn't know what it really meant at first, but as we continued to pray, I was suddenly reminded of Moses again, and I knew that God wanted me to pray about them.  I needed to thank God for being so faithful to me.  Because He always gives and doesn't ask for anything back.  I needed to have more faith in Him, because the truth was (and is), He has faith in me first!  But the third word, compassion, I could not comprehend until later that night. Regardless of that, throughout the day I kept on thinking about these words.

I was really tired the rest of the day though I was glad that Carrie came back =]

At night, when I stepped into Praise and Worship of my church, I suddenly realized why God gave me the third word.  He wanted to show me His compassion and also reveal to me that I actually had compassion.  During a sharing by a godly brother, I started crying very hard (though in silence) because I had compassion for him.  I strongly understood how he felt and I knew some of the difficulties he must be going through.  I was there not too long ago myself and I knew exactly how hard it was to stay put and have faith.  So after praise and worship, I wanted to encourage him, though that never really happened in the end because I was a bit too shy and the moments were a bit too awkward.

And God showed His compassion to me throughout the songs we sang at night.  I put the songs I remember into a small phrase to remind myself of this night: We want to be more FAITHFUL, we pray for BLESSINGS, we need HEALING, and we believe that He is THE SAVING ONE.

So, I am on the waiting list right now for accommodation in Sweden.  If I don't get off of the waiting list then I have no place to live.  So on top of my list of things to do I'll need to add on another column: "Find accommodation".  Um.  A bit worried right now but I know God will provide. Somehow.  Me of little faith.  Please strengthen me!

Yesterday I was sharing with a friend about how I was really mad, frustrated, and could not forgive.  I knew that I was wrong to even think about wanting some sort of justification or vengeance (not as in I want that person to die or something...I just felt like I deserved better than this, and didn't understand why this could happen) but I could not stop myself from caring and feeling a bit bad. 

So today, on the bus, when I randomly turned the pages to where I last left off in the book "Cast of Characters" by Max Lucado, I was very amazed at how God chose to speak to me about anger.  In chapter 13 of the book, it talked about Joseph, the famous character well-known for his great compassion and forgiveness of his brothers.  But what caught my eye was not the part about forgiveness.  It was the part about how Joseph learned to look towards God at the big picture instead of focusing on the small picture.  He somehow knew that God let him suffer such that He could work through him to accomplish more.  And by focusing on God instead of his anger, he was letting go of his own stubbornness and letting God do the judgment.  Because as Joseph stated when his brothers came up to him to ask for forgiveness, "Am I in the place of God?" (Genesis v. 19), only God has the sole right to vengeance, not us.  We need to understand that what we see in our lives is but just a part of a jigsaw puzzle, and that God sees the cover of the whole puzzle box. 

That being said, it is still hard to not want vengeance when its within your definite power to do so.  But then again, who said it was easy to follow God's plan?