April 5, 2012

  • Surreal

    This is an account of the events that happened for the last two days:

    April 4th, 2012:

    I woke up feeling a bit dizzy. Mom and I ate some bread for breakfast and then headed out to run a few errands. Then we met up with my aunt and uncle from Tiao Jing Ling and travelled to Zeem sa zui to Nicco Hotel for lunch. I was surprised to find Bao Gu Gu there and was slightly comforted by her presence because initially she said she won't come back from Vancouver and that only me and my mom would. Turns out she finally decided to come. I was really glad to be around my dad's side of the family because they were very caring and understanding.

    We left at around 4:30 and on the way we bumped into my dad's cousins and I greeted them for the first time. We took the van while the cousins chose to walk to the funeral home.

    5 O clock we arrived at the funeral home and the few of us went into the private room to look at my dad's body. My mom got emotional and started crying. "點解我認唔到你爸爸個樣？點解會完全唔一樣？我好驚。我好驚。" I looked at my dad and was both horrified, numb, and sad at the same time. I felt numb because I felt nothing at first. I felt like everything that was happening was just a dream. Nothing is real. Nothing. We asked the helper at the funeral home called Mr. Fung why my dad's figure and features look so different from his person when he was alive, and I almost wanted to laugh in a bitter way at the way he described it. He said "This is what happens to someone when they are refrigerated. The water in the body evaporates and so he'd be a lot skinnier. Its just like how you put your pork chop in the refrigerator. It doesn't stay tender anymore but becomes rigid and smaller because the water is gone." A body versus a piece of pork chop. Like...o..m..g.

    My dad's cousins arrived shortly afterwards and they were very kind, friendly, and cheerful in their recalls of my dad as well as their childhood memories. Apparently they belonged to the branch of 12 sons and daughters from my grandfather's little brother. I have a big family. Nevertheless I was cheered up by them and laughed for quite some time in between. It wasn't that bad.

    Then guests starting coming in one by one and I started feeling out of place. Out of place because I don't know a single one of them that came. Out of place because they were all sad for their lost of a good friend, a good teacher, a kind hearted man whom they were all close to, closer than I was with him. To hear their remarks of him made me even more out of place because they would tell me one after another how kind my dad was with what he did for others, but I could never have known him well enough to know all these things. Yet I was standing at the front of the room representing the whole Tse family at the funeral ceremony. They'd tell me, "I'm so sorry for your lost", but the more I hear it the more numb I felt because I didn't know what exactly I had lost. A good father. Yes. But how good? How awesome? How nice and kind? I would never be able to know from real life-encounter anymore.

    There was an uncle who came named Albert to whom I talked to the most. He joined us after the funeral(pre-funeral) for the night ended, and as we walked I asked him about how he met my dad. They met when they were nine. And they've been friends ever since...for 56 years. Albert immigrated to Singapore after he married I don't know how many years ago and now had two married daughters and a 19 year old son. He said he'll tell me in detail about my dad in the past when we meet again in Singapore next week. But one thing he told me: That he continuously told my dad to come find me even before we re-united but my dad felt slightly ashamed to. And that he told my dad he should come over to Europe with my mom so we could go on a holiday trip together but my dad wouldn't because he felt too ashamed of not having earned enough money to see me. My dad always kept his hope up that his business would work out and that he would have a lot of money soon. Next week I'll have money. Next week, he always thought. And then I recall my skype conversation with dad. He said he was talking business to do with trades of sugar in South America. He said once it works out he would have big money. He told me never to worry about money because he will be able to afford to take care of me for the rest of my life. I thought he was joking and doubt his capabilities. But when he said it, he actually meant it. My awesome dad.

    That night I slept very well for 4.5 hours but woke up with a headache.

    April 5th, 2012:

    We arrived at the funeral home at around 9:35am. Family members were supposed to arrive an hour earlier than the ceremony started. But shortly after we arrived an old couple and their son came and the old man started talking to me about my father. He was the friend who was with my dad when he fell unconscious and went to the emergency with him. According to my aunt, when he found out my dad past away he cried like a pig. He cried until he almost fainted himself. Because he loved my dad and treasured him as a good friend.

    "Your dad was the nicest guy on earth. No one could be as nice as him!" He said. "Too bad you couldn't have known him better. He would've been a good father if he had the chance. He would always help out his friends at whatever cost it took him and he was a very smart minded guy. He could give good advice to people and would always listen to me when I wanted to talk to him. Now he's gone and I have no one to share with anymore." An uncle had shared about how he was more sad that my dad past away than he was of his own dad's funeral. That shocked me.

    Not long afterwards the ceremony started. Pastor Gan led the family members into the private room and prayed with us. Then we walked back outside with the coffin and we started singing Hymns. My aunt went up to speak about my dad's obituary, followed by a message by Pastor Gan. We sang another Hymn and then friends circled around the coffin to give my dad a last good bye glance. The coffin lid was put on and I followed the coffin out while carrying my dad's photo frame downstairs to the funeral car. It all felt like a dream. So surreal. So much like a drama. My life is like a drama. The rest of the people took the bus.

    We arrived at the crematory 20 minutes later and once again I followed the coffin in and sat down at the first row. Pastor Gan talked about a little bit more of the procedure and after math of my dad's remains, and then we all gathered around my dad's coffin: me and Pastor Gan and a worker at the crematory on one side and the rest of the group (family and friends) on the other. The coffin was on the machine rack ready for me to press the green button to send it to the fires. I felt numb. "Kathy you may now press the button." I looked at the coffin and then back at the button for a split second. I didn't dare look at the group. I felt numb. Then I pressed the button, and as I hold on to the button the coffin slowly moved towards the curtains whereafter is the fireplace that burns my dad's body into nothing but bones and then grinder into ashes that can fit into a bag. I felt horrified afterwards. I felt like I was sending my dad into death itself. But at the same time I pray that my dad isn't in hell. He deserves better. He really does.

    Then everything that happened afterwards that day isn't worth noting. Life continues to go on as normal. People laugh, people cry. Babies are born, people get married, no one stops aging, and eventually withers away. And people keep on chasing endless dreams but brings none except themselves either to heaven or to hell. Money, clothes, friends, family...nothing we can ever keep when death falls upon us.

    So whats the meaning of life? I must find my meaning of life. Must. Must.
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