February 22, 2012

  • This morning, at this moment, I think I'm really blessed to be just be able to sit here and marvel at the beautiful weather outside while I think about all those times that Jesus brought me forth in every step of my life.

    Honestly, I'm someone who tends to forget good things, happy things fast, but always remembers the sad moments and the hurtful moments that I experienced in life. Maybe thats why I'm pessimistic to start with, and I tend to think lowly of myself in a lot of aspects of life...whether its in relationships, school, or work. But the problem with that is the more that I think this way, the more that I become this way. Because negative thoughts can be a tool that Satan uses to control you and make you fall down, but the grace and love of God will always be able to bring you back up, if you believe.

    A lot of people say that only the weak choose to believe in a religion, or even Jesus, because they can't do a lot of things by themselves and so must rely on an outer source to be their back up. But I say its because we see the gifts from God that we choose to believe in Him. Our lives are a gift from Him. Our wisdom to discern that He is the true God and creator of all things are a gift from Him too. Everything we experience is a gift from Him. That's why in everything we can put our trust in God, and in everything we can rely on Him and hold on to him steadfast.

    We are a children of God.

    Before I wrote this, I was still worrying a whole lot about my phone interview tomorrow morning. I read the job description and criteria back and forth last night, and recognized how I'm totally under qualified for this job. So how is it that I can get a phone interview from them? I felt so compelled to just cancel and back out of the interview because I feel like I'm going to make a fool of myself answering their questions, and I felt this hidden fear inside of me swell out like it has countless of other moments in my life before. It goes something like this:

    thought: Kathy, are you serious? Do you think you really can get this job? You're so incompetent! Look at you, you're so lazy, you're such a little girl. You can't even support yourself. You aren't a leader. How can you handle the responsibility?

    me: Well, I'll just try! I'm going to motivate myself...I'm going to start researching and seeing what types of questions to answer, I'm going to have a carefree conversation with the interviewer

    thought: You always just talk talk talk and never take action. Even if you prepare you won't get everything done in time. Even if you prepare you still won't perform well and you know it. You're such a loser pfttt.

    me: Ya, maybe you're right *then panic mode starts to kick in*

    I think that's what happened to my Vancouver Olympics opportunity. Or even my previous Co-op position. Because in a way I feel like I'm trapped and can't handle the responsibility. I'm scared to face reality and the responsibility that comes with it. So I push everything back to the backs of my mind and do everything "at my own pace". And when everyone is so motivated I'm so un motivated. I don't know why. I think thats the irony that a lot of teenagers feel these days. Head knowledge versus action. But I'm not a teenager any more.

    But after typing this entry, I think I feel a lot much better. Because I know that I have a higher God that I can look up to in all things. Maybe in life I don't have anyone to look up to or really seek for total advice, but I know that someday "the things of earth will go strangely dim, in the light of His Glory and Grace" =]. Look above. Not down.

    A step at a time.

    PS: I love my Valentines gift this year ^^". A few actually! 1. Girlfriends coming over to make food and bake with me 2. Kind of surprised Wendy for her birthday 3. Someone from the other side of the world to call me and say Happy Valentines to me. 4. A photo book of lovely us <3<3<3