August 3, 2011

  • So I still have a paper to write and a power point presentation to finish by tomorrow morning but despite of that I just feel like I really need to write this down so I can remind myself of what I've seen and heard these past few days.

    For the past few days through the process of house move, I realized an ugly truth about myself that I've always neglected to deal with or have justified myself in doing:

    I don't take care of my mom.

    I don't know why or how but I've never really taken much responsibility of my household. I do the bare minimal.  I justify myself by letting her know that I'm busy with school work or work.  Sometimes its true.  But sometimes its just poor time management or I'd just rather fit my time with something else.  I've always been lazy when it comes to caring about my mom.  Let's just say I'm 後知後覺。I don't do anything until something happens.  So when my mom cared a lot about the house move, all I did was the bare minimal: cleaned up some things in the house, contacted the notary to do the completion, did the house inspection with her, phoned a few companies so we wouldn't have no gas or electricity to live in for the new house, phoned the landlines and Shaw to set up appointments, and then I sat back and waited for things to happen.  So when the day came for the house move to occur, and things didn't go as well as we wanted to, I didn't know how to react and calm my mom down when she was stressed.  I didn't know how to comfort her or take up initiative to have things fixed.  I was like a little child waiting for her mom to take care of everything. I avoided the problems by remaining silent while my mom broke out in stress.

    And then I saw how Wendy reacted to everything.  Although she was only there to help with the house move, she seemed more initiative than I was.  In the midst of all the commotions, she taught me and asked me what to do, both of which I responded merely with a "I don't know..." or "I think that its like this..." She knew what things should be done and tried to calm my mom down when she was stressed out.  She knew how to take care of my mom.  She was so mature.  Yet, the same age as me. So when I noticed all of these things, I silently felt quite ashamed of myself but was too embarrassed to admit it.  I wanted to hide everything away in my little closet.  Selfish little Kathy doesn't want herself to be discovered.  She wanted to be protected forever.

    Yet, sometimes when Jesus wants you to learn a lesson, you will learn it regardless of how much you run away from it.  Sometimes its like this sudden pang and you awake to reality that tells you "Hello its time that you wake up now!" and that no matter how much you want to go back to sleep the light will just keep shining down on you.

    Tonight I went back home to find my mom resting on the couch.  The internet was set up.  Dinner was on the table.  The living room couches were set up too.  There were only a couple of boxes left on the side.  My mom was exhausted.  She told me about a couple of things she wanted me to do.  I asked her if there was anything else that I could help her with.  She told me about her headache.  The same type that she had experienced prior to her surgery a few years ago.  I started crying.  I told her I was sorry.  She said she understood. "You have school work to focus on yesterday and today." I said no.  I wasn't sorry for just that.  I was sorry for all these years...how could I be so 不孝? what type of a daughter am I? I felt so bad and my heart started to ache.  Then my mom started talking about random topics to distract me and asked me to help her put up the shower curtains.

    We left our conversation at that.  But I don't think that should be the end of the episode.  There should be more.  Wendy is right.  My aunt is right.  I need to change.  And maybe that's why I'm meant to go on exchange right now too.  So that when I come back and am finally able to take care of myself, I'd be able to take care of my mom too.

    So mom. Please wait for me. I promise I'll change.  A step at a time starting from tomorrow.
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    Thank you Jesus for these wonderful blessings.